If you think it will relax you, I suppose...

   Well, I'll try.

   Once there were three bears.

   Their names were Umeguma, Takekuma, and Matsukuma, and they all lived together in a little bear house in the middle of the great big woods.

   One day they made curry, and they went for a walk while they waited for it to cool.

   While they were all gone, Goldilocks, a notorious thief, came by and decided to go into the little bear house to see if there were anything beautiful there, or, failing that, anything to eat -- his accountant had decided to save on expenses by not buying any food, and Goldilocks was starving.

   Inside he found three plates of curry, and he immediately decided to try them.

   He tried some of the curry on the plum-blossom plate. It was far too spicy.

   Then he tried some of the curry on the bamboo-leaf plate. It was far too bland.

   Finally, he tried some of the curry on the pine-needle plate, and it was exactly the way he liked it. So he ate it all up.

   After he had finished eating, he took a shower.

   When he had taken it, he saw three towels on the rack.

   He tried the off-white towel the color of plum blossom. It was much too rough, as if he were drying himself off with carpet.

   Then he tried the yellowish one the color of bamboo stalks. It was much too flat, as if he were drying himself off with a dishrag.

   Finally, he tried the pine-needle green one, and it was just the sort of towel he liked himself. So he dried himself off over and over until he accidentally caught the towel on a nail and tore it almost in two.

   At that point, Goldilocks decided that bed was a Very Good Idea, and went upstairs to find it.

   The first bed was decorated with plum blossom. It was much too hard. You could probably bruise yourself just rolling over in it.

   The second bed was decorated with bamboo. It was much too soft. No support at all.

   The third bed was decorated with pine branches, and it was just the sort of bed he himself liked. So he promptly climbed into it, disported himself appealingly, and waited for its owner to come home.

   Presently the bears came home, having liberated or otherwise acquired one of the hounds from the Wild Hunt, the Duke of Dermail's pet monkey, the ninetieth pheasant out of the woods, and a red panda. The dog and monkey got along about as well as dogs and monkeys usually do, and the two other bears were seriously considering throwing Umeguma to the oni and hoping his noisy tagalongs followed him by the time they got home. It would have been a shame about the pheasant, though.

   Umeguma paused on the way in to seriously threaten to kill the monkey and dog -- as opposed to the sort of threatening to kill where he really meant "shut up" or "not now, I'm busy" or "I don't know how to deal with this situation, so I'll make menacing noises and hope it goes away" -- and they hastily kissed and made up.

   Umeguma ignored that, however, because he was busy stopping dead and staring with the other two bears. Finally he growled, "Somebody has been eating my curry."

   "Food?" the hound said hopefully, breaking the kiss to take a mouthful of curry. He promptly sneezed, gasped, and panted miserably.

   "Somebody," Takekuma growled, "has been eating MY curry."

   "That's terrible, Takepon," the red panda said.

   "Don't call me Takepon!"

   The hound took this opportunity to quickly eat all the rest of Takekuma's bland curry to calm his throat down, while the smallest bear split his curry with the monkey and pheasant -- neither of whom had an objection to spices.

   "Somebody," Matsukuma growled, "has been eating MY curry, and it's all gone!"

   "Let's have apples instead," the monkey suggested.

   But the bears ignored her. They followed the scent -- their noses not being obstructed by curry -- into the washroom.

   "Somebody," Umeguma growled, "has been using my towel."

   "Somebody," Takekuma growled, "has been using MY towel."

   "Somebody," Matsukuma growled, "has been using MY towel, and it's torn!"

   "Um..." the pheasant said.

   But the bears ignored her. They followed the scent upstairs.

   "Somebody," Umeguma growled, "has been lying in my bed." He looked around before flopping on it. The pheasant curled up on his hind legs.

   "Somebody," Takekuma growled, "has been lying in my bed." He sat on it gingerly, waving his arms to try to discourage the red panda from sitting next to him.

   "Somebody," Matsukuma growled, "has been lying in my bed, and he's still here!"

   "Hiiiiiiii," Goldilocks purred.

   "I said," Matsukuma roared, using the Repeat Yourself At Greater Volume And See If The Situation Changes technique, "there is an intruder in my bed, and he smells... like... roses... "

   "Join the club," Takekuma grumbled, up against his headboard trying to fend the red panda off with his feet. "We've all got problems."

   "Let me help you with your problems, Takepon."

   "Don't call me Takepon!"

   "Sorry, Darling."

   Matsukuma looked from the plum-blossom bed, where the hound and monkey were necking on top of Umeguma; to the bamboo bed, where Takekuma had frozen solid on being called 'Darling' by the red panda; to his own pine bed, where Goldilocks was wriggling and making throaty noises; and did the only sensible thing.

   He jumped out the window and ran like hell.

   "Damn," said Goldilocks. "I lose more men that way."

   Ahem.

   Goldilocks went on with his merry career of promiscuity and grand larceny, taking time off for various not-very-fruitful ursine escapades.

   The hound and simian agreed to decide the situation vis-a-vis dog, monkey, and plum bear by a good game of Magic: the Gathering. They have yet to determine a final outcome, the score standing at three games called on account of earthquake, one game called on account of pheasant, two games called on account of messing up the cards while making out, and eight games called on account of collateral damage ensuing when dog or monkey or both, blinded by animal passion, threw themselves upon Umeguma and attempted to fasten their hotly panting mouths on convenient bits of his anatomy.

   The middle bear spent the rest of his life attempting to teach the red panda not to call him Takekuma-chan, Takepon, or Darling. It is not recorded whether he were successful or not.

   Matsukuma went to work for the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, where he soon gained a reputation as one of its most capable officers and one of the most feared ones -- I'm afraid none of the Eberbach side of the family has ever had much in the way of interpersonal skills, particularly towards underlings.

   Treize-sama? What do you mean, you've noticed?