Having this clue, he realized that it might be an idea to seek the lady Lucretia's hand in marriage, and he set out for her manor posthaste in order to do so.

    Unfortunately, there were a few obstacles to his suit. Firstly, he had acted like a total jerk to the lady for years, and secondly, five minutes before he knocked on her door, the lady Lucretia fell into a deep sleep and could not be wakened for love or money.

    The king tried to wake her.

    He tried calling her name.

    He tried shaking her.

    He tried yanking all the covers off.

    This let him see her cute pajamas with ducks and bunnies on them, but it didn't wake her.

    He tried dripping cold water onto her face.

    He tried putting her sleeping cat on her chest.

    He tried kissing her.

    Despite half the fairy tales he had read, this didn't wake her up either, although the piece of his head where he was carrying the Clue noted that this was very nice indeed and he should have done it earlier, preferably when the lady Lucretia was awake and participating.

    Racking his brain for more fairy tales, he thought that perhaps if he took the kiss further and went all the way she might wake up.

    However, the lady Lucretia's best friend, Dame Sally, promptly informed him that if he dared take advantage of the lady in her sleep, she would give him a physical with the Anal Probe of Doom, which is three feet long and has razor-edged spikes.

    So he quickly thought better of that notion.

    At last, he realized that this situation called for a quick mind and an intelligent, innovative way of looking at things.

    Unfortunately, he did not HAVE a quick mind and an intelligent, innovative way of looking at things.

    Fortunately, he knew someone who did.

    And he forthwith dispatched five messenger pigeons to the castle of Treize Khushrenada, carrying a full description of the problem and everything he had tried, thoughtfully numbered one through five for the Count's convenience.

    One pigeon came in return, carrying a short message.

    "Step on the cat's tail."

    This didn't make much sense to the king, but he always did what Treize said, except when he was operating under what he thought his dynastic constraints ought to be or when he was just plain nucking futz.

    And so he walked into the lady's bedchamber without even taking his boots off, walked to the corner where Dame Sally had put the cat -- after she pulled it off the lady Lucretia's chest before one of them stuffocated -- and STOMPED with all his might on the poor cat's tail.

    The cat let out a yowlwhowl, leapt three feet into the air, turned into the God of Death, and glared at him.

    "Fine, you can marry the lady Lucretia -- IF she'll have you -- " the God of Death growled; despite not having a tail anymore, he was still very sore -- "but when you have a kid, they'll have the Freaky-Ass Eyebrows From Hell. And until the kid says 'I've got the Freaky-Ass Eyebrows From Hell,' they'll HAVE the Freaky-Ass Eyebrows From Hell! Bye!"

    And the God of Death teleported into Another Dimension (TM) in order to indulge in his favorite game of Bait-the-Stoic.

    The lady Lucretia did in fact marry King Milliard -- gods above know why -- and in time got pregnant and had a baby, which was a wonderful experience akin to shoving a package delivery truck through an inner tube, and was further marred by the fact that the king had mislaid himself in a space battle three weeks earlier, so she couldn't reach up and strangle him for getting her in that situation.

    The baby was named Dorothy, and in due course proved to have Freaky-Ass Eyebrows From Hell. Queen Lucretia felt terrible for her daughter, and decreed that everyone had to wear Vulcan-makeup eyebrows as well as their real ones so little Dorothy wouldn't feel like a freak.

    So Dorothy grew up believing that Freaky-Ass eyebrows were normal, and learned all the stuff befitting the heir apparent to the kingdom of Lake Wobegon, except that when she was eight she decided that the word "Princess" was sexist, and declared herself a Prince. Besides, princes get to do all the fun stuff anyway, unless you're Xena or Jiliora.

    She also grew up very sarcastic, to the point where Queen Lucretia finally put out advertisements that anyone who could make Prince Dorothy non-sarcastic for a while could name their reward, up to and including half the kingdom or the prince's hand in marriage, if they were feeling exceptionally brave or very stupid.

    Now the Valkyrior, who had long since switched from horses to spiffy motorcycles, were riding through that part of the world when one of the motorcycles stalled.

    The Valkyrie it belonged to, who was as cute as a button and whose name was Hilde, kicked the stupid thing, waved to her sisters to go on without her, and examined it.

    Being not only cute as a button but also smart as a whip (and short into the bargain), she quickly figured out that it needed a new spark plug.

    So she hauled the motorcycle into a hollow, threw a camouflage tarp over it, and hiked into town to see about finding spark plugs. When she got there, all these people were standing around occasionally moving forward in a big line, so she fell in with them, assuming that it was the opening of a store or a restaurant or something.

    Three hours, two granola bars, and five drinks of water from various water fountains later, the portion of line Hilde was in finally made it into the throne room and sight of the Prince, Queen, and Dame.

    "Drat," the Dear Little Valkyrie said. "I thought this was a store."

    "Well, that's a new one," Prince Dorothy remarked, turning to look at the new arrival. "I don't think I've seen you around before, either."

    "Um? I'm a Valkyrie, and -- "

    "You're not wearing your eyebrows!" the queen gasped.

    Hilde blinked, then remembered the relevant portion of Fodor's Guide. "Oh, CRAP!" She clapped her hands to her face. "I... uh, forgot?"

    "Leave this place at ON--"

    "Actually," Prince Dorothy interrupted her mother, "I rather like them."

    As soon as everyone had scooped their jaws off the floor and put their eyeballs back in their sockets, Hilde the Dear Little Valkyrie found herself shoved to the front of the room, almost in Prince Dorothy's face.

    "Heredity?" Dame Sally wondered, looking from the Dear Little Valkyrie to Queen Lucretia.

    "Single eyebrows don't look that bad at all," Dorothy said, ignoring her mother's best friend.

    "Why don't you take yours off, then?" Hilde suggested.

    Prince Dorothy blinked. "How?"

    "Like this!" the rest of the room chorused, taking the topmost ends of their Vulcan eyebrows and peeling them off.

    Dorothy pulled at the topmost ends of her eyebrows, but all that did was pull out a few hairs that ought to have been thinned anyway.

    "Mother -- " she began.

    "I didn't want you to feel different," the queen said helplessly, peeling her own extra eyebrows off.

    "I'm already different," Dorothy snorted. "Why didn't you TELL me I had the Freaky-Ass Eyebrows From Hell?"

    And as soon as she said this, not only did her eyebrows become just like anybody else's, only pink, she was instantly transformed into Tenjou Utena.

    "Okay, that's GOT to have cured her of the constant sarcasm," Dame Sally said. "What would you like as your reward?"

    "A new spark plug for my motorcycle!" Hilde said at once.

    So the queen found her a spark plug in the drawer in the bottom of her throne, and Prince Utena said "Valkyrior have motorcycles?"

    "Of course!" the Dear Little Valkyrie said. "We upgraded ages ago! The requirements for joining are basically that you have to be able to ride to an inch, to kick ass with grace and style, and to carry brave men's souls to the world of the dead while looking really damn cool during all three!"

    "Oh, hey," Utena said. "Where do I sign up?"

    "I'll take you there," Hilde offered, and the two of them walked out of the palace of Lake Wobegon, spark plug in hand, never to return.

    "Oh, I give up!" Queen Lucretia exclaimed.

    And she turned the throne over to her sister-in-law, dyed her hair red, and, together with her best friend Dame Sally -- who'd dyed her hair black -- changed their names, joined Triple-Double-A as Trouble Consultants, kicked ass, blew shit up, checked out cute guys, made themselves known and feared on zillions of planets, and kept a weather eye out for King Milliard in case they ever actually found him.

    So everyone lived happily ever after, even the new queen, because every evening when the paperwork got to be too much for her she Snarked Out along with the God of Death and Sylvia Noventa.

    "What's 'snarking out'?" Marimeia asked, getting her breath back.

    "That's when you sneak out late at night and go see movie double features at the Snark Theater, which never really gets around to checking IDs. They have the most interesting ideas of what to pair up -- last night it was the Utena movie and Sandy Cooper, Superdragon. Tonight's going to be Pete's Dragon and Bride of the Monster -- you wanna come?"

    "Bride of the Monster?" she repeated.

    "Yeah, it's this really bad flick Bela Lugosi made late in his career. See, this is the one where at the end, his character, the mad scientist, is supposed to be crushed to death by an octopus. And the director actually went out and got a mechanical octopus. Unfortunately, nobody could find the motor that made the thing move."

    "Okayyyy..."

    "But the show must go on. Lugosi did his best. He threw himself down on the octopus. He yelled and screamed and wrapped the tentacles around himself."

    Marimeia pressed her hands to her mouth again.

    "The cameras rolled, recording this epic struggle between man and utterly unmoving monster."

    "All right," Marimeia finally said when she had stopped wheezing. "I need to see this. How do I go about sneaking out?"

    "Oh." Duo stared at her wheelchair for a moment, obviously not having remembered it was there until just then. "Since tonight's the first time, I'll sneak in and help you."

    "Okay! Thank you!" She thought for a moment, and added "And thank you for the story. It was very funny. I hope Hilde and Utena found whatsherface, the purple-haired one, and they all lived happily ever after together, because from what Relena-nee said it seems -- Duo, are you paying attention?"

    The smile on his face looked like the one on that guy, the one Anne had said was called 'vapid.' "Hilde... Utena... Anthy... car..."

    Huh? She hadn't said anything about a car.

    Wait a minute.

    "Anthy? What sort of name is that?"

    "I think it's short for 'Chrysanthemum,'" Duo said.

    "... oh."

    She looked at the clock.

    "Will you please tell me another story?"

    "Okay.

    "Hmmm.

    "Oh, I know. This one is called 'Who First Speaks...'"