I had a very good time Snarking Out, and Anne did not find out, and I have written you the first of the stories I promised you. Is this address Miss Schbeiker's scrapyard? It's a really cool-sounding name.

   Here it is. The story. Not the scrapyard.

STORY
by Marimeia

   Once upon a time there were Ryou and Kaori and Hiiro and Relena-nee. They all lived in an apartment, and Ryou did not have any mokkori.

   Ryou did not do mokkori with the clients because Kaori would hit him with a Really Big Mallet.

   Ryou did not do mokkori with Hiiro because he did not want to do mokkori with guys, however they manage to do it, because some of them certainly seem to, and because even if he did want to he did NOT want Hiiro to shoot him in the gametes, which might hurt. Also Kaori would hit him with a Really Big Mallet.

   Ryou did not do mokkori with Relena-nee because she did not want to do mokkori with him, and if he even just asked her nicely to she told him to go away, and Hiiro offered to shoot him in all his arms and legs and gametes and intestines, and Kaori hit him with an Even Bigger Mallet.

   Ryou did not do mokkori with Kaori because if he did it with her it would mean something, and he did not want to get closer to her because he thought that she might get hurt if she cared about him and Something Happened. Kaori already cared about him, and he cared about her, so it could not really have hurt, but Ryou couldn't see that because of graduating from the Male Anime Character School of Boneheaded Misbegoten (sp?) Ideas of Nobility, along with Washio Ken and Saotome Ranma and Shinomori Aoshi.

   Commander Sally says that Col. Marquise would have graduated from it if he were an anime character. But he isn't, which is too bad, because we can't videotape him when he is superdeformed and watch them when we are feeling depressed because he can't go superdeformed because of being three-dimensional.

   Anyway, then the earth came down with a bad case of peace, which means that the hero and the heroine get married. Ryou and Kaori were still in this silly mess, so Hiiro and Relena-nee got married.

   And Ryou did not have any mokkori.

   Hiiro and Relena-nee moved into the apartment next door because they were tired of having to pull Ryou out from under the bed and behind the bathroom door whenever Relena-nee wanted to change or shower, but still they were not happy.

   They asked Ryou what they could do to be happier. But all Ryou could think of was to do mokkori.

   So they threw him out the window and asked Kaori.

   "Well," Kaori said, "Relena spends her spare time talking people into doing the right thing and figuring out how to make peace work without falling apart the first time somebody sneezes, and Hiiro spends his spare time flying around and blowing things up. You need to do more things together. Also it would help if you found a really good sense of humor somewhere."

   "Okay," said Relena-nee and Hiiro, and that Saturday they went to space and ravished Duo Maxwell.

   He was a little surprised when he woke up in Relena-nee and Hiiro's apartment, but he quickly made himself right at home, even if he did have to do most of the cooking.

   Ryou was disappointed to meet him, however. He hadn't really seen Duo when they'd carried him in, and he, that being Ryou, had hoped he, that being Duo, was Makimachi Misao so Ryou could do mokkori with her.

   Kaori whacked him on the head with the Really Big Mallet for wanting to do mokkori with sixteen-year-old Misao.

   And Ryou did not have any mokkori.

   One day, while Relena-nee and Ryou and Hiiro were all working, Duo called Mr. Chang to see what had been happening with both of them for the last few weeks.

   Mr. Chang got upset and explained to Duo that if somebody ravished you you had to marry them or kill them or be dishonored.

   "Oh, *really*?" said Duo. "Thanks, Wu-pumpkin."

   And he quickly hung up before Mr. Chang's opinion of being called 'Wu-pumpkin' could wake up Kaori in the next apartment. She had been up all night keeping Ryou from doing mokkori with their client and needed her beauty sleep.

   And that night, he ravished Hiiro and Relena-nee, so they'd be sure and have to marry him back.

   Unfortunately, they had been in their pajamas when he ravished them and he'd used most of his spare change in the ravishing, so they had to call Marimeia and ask her to buy them shuttle tickets back from L2.

   They let her be a bridesmaid at the wedding for a thank-you.

   It was a very nice wedding and they had lasagna at the reception. Then they all went back to their apartment, hauled Ryou out from under the bed, and threw him out the window.

   Kaori went down to where Ryou had gone splat on the ground and hit him a few times with the Even Bigger Mallet, and told him that the only people who were going to do mokkori THAT day were the newlyweds.

   And I suppose that if they got married they did mokkori sometimes, but I know all three of them and they're my friends -- well, Duo and Relena-nee are very very good friends, and everyone I know thinks Hiiro is a good person, and he only tried to shoot me once and that was when I'd been being a brat -- and it's embarrassing to think about, so they played the Rocket Age Supersentai drinking game with hot chocolate and some of the middle of Zyuranger and a whole bunch of Carranger.

   And Ryou did not have any mokkori.

   Marimeia thought that that sounded like a lot of fun, so she ravished Mr. Chang all the way to Knott's Berry Farm, where they did the dinosaur ride EIGHT times and he bought her a boysenberry slush.

   It was so nice of him that when they went back to Relena-nee's place to celebrate the client's problems being solved Marimeia helped Mr. Chang throw Ryou out the window, even though she thought Ryou saying that she'd probably be a real mokkori-chan when she grew up and that Mr. Chang was very smart was pretty flattering.

   Ryou crawled back up and complained that it wasn't fair for Hiiro and Mr. Chang and everyone to throw him out the window all the time.

   "You have a point," Mr. Chang said.

   "It was Not Fun," Ryou said. "Every bone in my body aches, and some of them ache twice. How would YOU like to be thrown out the window?"

   "It couldn't be that bad," Hiiro said, and threw himself out the window to see.

   "Now you've done it!" Relena-nee and Duo said.

   So Relena-nee borrowed the Really Big Mallet from Kaori and hit Ryou with it, and Kaori pulled out her Even Bigger Mallet and hit Ryou with IT. The client lady looked nervous, and Mr. Chang folded his arms and glared disgustedly at Ryou, and Duo went down to where Hiiro had gone splat on the ground.

   "It's all right," he, that being Duo, called up to everyone. "He landed on his head."

   And he grabbed Hiiro by the ankle and dragged him, bump-bump-bump, up the stairs behind him.

   Relena-nee kicked everyone off the couch so Hiiro could sleep on it when Duo dragged him in the door, because of his having a vicious ferocious headache.

   So the party moved over to Kaori and Ryou's apartment. Eventually Anne came and got Marimeia, and Mr. Chang went to sleep in the spare room, and the client lady went home.

   And Ryou did not have any mokkori.

   The next Monday Ryou had himself mailed to the main Preventer offices in a carpet and unrolled onto Anne's desk, wearing nothing but a big red ribbon.

   Anne oofed him off her desk so she could do work on it, and emailed Hiiro.

   Presently Kaori arrived at Anne's office and hit Ryou with her Extremely Supernally Humonguous Mallet, being careful not to bonk Anne's desk or potted plant or framed sketch drawn by Otousama.

   Then she would have ravished him, but after being hit by the Extremely Supernally Humonguous Mallet, there was no way Ryou would understand a big word like 'ravished,' so she just carried him off, all the way back to the apartment, and gave the red ribbon to Relena-nee so she could tie it onto Hiiro so he wouldn't go splat on the ground if he happened to throw himself out of any more windows.

   So Anne and Marimeia and Mr. Chang and all the Maxwells lived happily ever after.

   And Ryou did not have any mokkori.

END

De wa mata,
Anne's Bastard Redheaded Stepchild
Ladies' Sewing Circle and Terrorist Society no Minarai
 @-->---------
KERMIT: Now all we need is an exciting photo story.
GONZO: Kermit! I'll take a picture of this chicken!
      -- *The Great Muppet Caper*

   "Do you suppose," Wufei growled, "that you could manage to check your mail quietly?"

   "Most Revered and Honored Mr. Chang," Duo grinned, "I think you need to explain to Marimeia that the word 'ravished' usually means a bit more than 'forcibly located to a place along with the ravisher.'"

   "I fail to see why I -- "

   "Preferably before she convinces Sally that it would be a great idea to 'ravish you all the way to Knott's Berry Farm.'"

   "MAXWELL!"